As a child we are taught to mind our manners. When you are speaking to others you say please and thank you. You should share and be kind. You should never assume things because you probably don't know their whole story. And you certainly don't call people names or yell at them. These are some basic, preschool level, blanket manners that we have all been taught.

Somewhere between childhood and adulthood those simple manners tend to fade away. They certainly don't apply to arguments with your spouse! Or do they? Most couples tend to treat arguments the same way they would treat a competition. It wasn't too long ago that I felt the need to "win" every disagreement my husband and I had. It wouldn't take us long to throw those preschool taught manners right out the window. I was making assumptions, he was being unkind, and we were both raising our voices. Were we actually in preschool we would have both been sent to time-out for sure!


According to Dr. Gottman his fifth principle, "solve your solvable problems", "To a certain degree...comes down to having good manners." The first thing we need to do when we are bothered or concerned with something our spouse is doing is to begin the conversation with a "soft start-up". The way you begin a conversation has a huge effect on how the conversation will turn out. Gottman explains that, "The best soft start-up has four parts: (1) "I share some responsibility for this..." (2) Here's how I feel... (3)about a specific situation and... (4) here's what I need... (positive need, not what you don't need)."


Unfortunately, we women are the most common perpetrators of using harsh start-ups. We tend to pounce on our husbands with exhausted social skills and tired manners. We turn the blame on them and expect them to be able to divine our thoughts and feelings. Gottman was absolutely right when he says, "For many men, hearing their wife acknowledge a shared responsibility is like manna from heaven and prevents tensions from escalating."


If we can master the soft start-up our repair attempts, those phrases or actions that we do with the intent of soothing or calming our spouse, will be more commonly accepted. Our disagreements will turn into conversations rather than arguments. And our compromises will come more readily.


"I can't emphasize enough how important it is to the fate of your marriage to soften up." -Dr. Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (p.167)
So, lets try to remember to say please and thank you, keep our voices low, avoid making assumptions, and above all be kind! Let's get back to out preschool days and mind our manners.