Imagine you and your spouse are shipwrecked on a deserted island. A storm is on the way and you need to grab what you can from the wreck to help you survive until someone finds you. There are a lot of things from the wreckage that could help you, some of it will require both of you to lift, but the tide is coming in fast and you only have a few minutes before it's all gone. You and your spouse need to make some important decisions and fast!* Could you do it? Could you do it without arguing?

This scene could end in a couple different ways. You might work together perfectly, agreeing on every item to save and the order of importance. Most couples, however are going to disagree about at least one or two items. They are going to have to either fight for the item they feel is more important, wasting time and potentially losing other important items to the incoming tide, or yield to their partner and potentially lose the item they originally wanted. What would you do? Fight or yield?


In the real world we probably aren't ever going to be stranded on a deserted island having to make those kind of choices. However, we are going to be in situations where we will have to choose to fight with our spouse or yield to their wants and needs. Gottman explains, "...often in life you need to yield in order to win. ...when you have a conflict, the key is to be willing to compromise. You do this by searching through your partner's request for something you can agree to."


Not every argument is going to have an obvious point of compromise. We have to be willing to hear our partner's side, try to empathize with their point of view, in order to successfully navigate each argument. For example, my husband and I had an argument the other night that neither of us were able to compromise about. I needed him to take our daughters to gymnastics so I could stay home and get work done that was due that evening. He also needed to be home in case his boss needed him to log on and fix something that they were testing that night. The girls couldn't skip gymnastics because they were testing that day and would miss the opportunity to move up to the next level. I was frustrated that he couldn't help me when he had previously said he would. He was upset that I wasn't being more understanding of things that were out of his control. In the end I took the girls to gymnastics and stayed up VERY late that night trying to get my work done. You might be surprised to hear that this whole argument only lasted about 15 minutes. You see, we both realized that this wasn't an argument either of us could compromise on, and there wasn't going to be a "winner". My husband calmed his voice, took a breath and empathized with me. He told me that he recognized how unfair the situation was, and that he felt poorly for having to be on call that night. He knew what I was feeling and related that to me. He yielded!


He didn't dig in his heels, or shut down the conversation. He chose to look at things from my point of view, and try to understand how I was feeling. His simple apology and recognition was enough to make me do the same for him. We both walked away with the understanding that we weren't actually upset with each other, but with the unfortunate situation.


At the beginning of our argument we were both being proud and putting our own needs above the other's. President Benson of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints said, "Another major portion of this very prevalent sin of pride is enmity toward our fellowmen. We are tempted daily to elevate ourselves above others and diminish them." This definition of pride is very powerful. He defines it, in part, as enmity toward one another. The definition of enmity states that it is, "hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition." So, at the beginning of our argument we were actually feeling "hate" and "hostility". Those are not word I ever want used to describe my relationship with my husband. Luckily, we were able to counter those feelings with empathy and understanding.


If I were ever to be stranded on a deserted island, having to choose which tools and items to save from a disappearing ship wreck, I would hope that my spouse, full of empathy- not pride, would be there to help me make those decisions. Working together should be more of a blessing than a liability. How would you and your spouse do?


*This scenario was taken from Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, page 133.