Most people claim to be marrying their best friend on their wedding day, but not long after the honeymoon is over their spouse loses the best friend title. We stop doing the little things that make our spouse happy, we forget to say thank you, and we stop getting to know each other. It might sound silly that you should continue to learn about your spouse after you are married, but we are constantly growing and changing. Are you the same person you were 10 years ago? 5 years? Even just 1 year ago? For most people that answers are, "No!" So, if you're not who you used to be, why would your spouse be the same person they used to be?

One game that my husband and I love to play to keep up with each other is 20 questions. We each take turns asking questions with the intent of getting to know each other better. One of my favorite questions to ask is, If you had $50,000 and had to spend it all in one day, what would you spend it on? The answer is always interesting and let's me know what my husband is most focused on at the moment. Dr. Gottman has changed the game a little bit and turned it into a friendly competition. He assigned a certain number of points that each person is awarded if they are able to correctly answer his questions. Some of the questions in his game are: Where was I born? What makes me feel most competent? What turns me on sexually? Name one of my concerns or worries. What is my favorite animal? If you are having trouble coming up with your own questions, or are just fiercely competitive and need to have a "winner" for every game (I'm the same way), here's the link to Gottman's 20 Questions.

Another thing you can do to continue to learn about your spouse is to DATE! I love to date my husband. We try to go out together at least two or three times a month, but there are lots of things that make this difficult. We have three little ones who have gymnastics meets, school activities, and need family time as well. So we always have to schedule in our date nights. We also have to be able to get a babysitter- that means more expenses and more scheduling. I could list a million reasons why dating your spouse is going to be hard, but none of them are a good enough reason to not date. Some times you just have to get creative. 

One of my favorite dates with my husband was free, and didn't require a babysitter. We blew up the kids pool in the back yard and filled it with pillows and blankets. We put the little ones to bed, popped some popcorn and hooked up the old baby monitor to our back yard outlet. Then we cozied up together in the pool and watched the Perseid meteor shower. It was amazing! I have never seen so many shooting stars in my whole life. With each meteor we talked about a different wish we would make. It was romantic, relaxing, intriguing, fun, and 100% free! 

Another one of my favorite dates was when my husband ended up having to work late causing us to have to cancel our original plans. I called to canceled the babysitter and started getting more and more upset about having to cancel what was supposed to be a much needed break. One of my little ones asked me why I was mad and after explaining to her that "Daddy had to work so she would not be able to see her favorite babysitter that night" she scrunched up her little nose, pounded her fist into her hand and said, "That's it! This means WAR!" That was all the inspiration I needed to turn my ruined night into an extremely fun-filled, water balloon fight, date night!

The more often we date, talk, and get to know each other the easier it will be to remember why we married each other in the first place. Gottman describes this as building our Love Maps. He says, 

"When you choose to spend your life with someone, you hand them a map to your inner world. Your inner world is, of course, quite complex including the memories of your past, the details of your present, your hopes for the future. It includes your deepest fears and your grandest dreams. But the map you hand your partner is a pencil sketch. The task for new couples is to intentionally be adding details to that map. It needs scale, direction, a legend. Over the course of a lifetime, you will be constantly adding landmarks, texture, color. A detailed Love Map brings perspective to the twists and turns that inevitably enter a marriage."

There are going to be struggles in every marriage. Difficult times, and unexpected bumps are going to happen. BUT- if we can have our best friend standing beside us when those struggles come, we can get through anything.