Finding Happy Together

With a house full of girls we tend to watch Disney quite a bit. One of our favorite movies is Rapunzel. I mean, who doesn't love a story about a lost princess trying to make her dreams come true?! And, the fact that Flynn Rider has a dream of his own that slowly changes into the most romantic dream EVER certainly doesn't hurt the story-line.

As a child we are taught to mind our manners. When you are speaking to others you say please and thank you. You should share and be kind. You should never assume things because you probably don't know their whole story. And you certainly don't call people names or yell at them. These are some basic, preschool level, blanket manners that we have all been taught.


Somewhere between childhood and adulthood those simple manners tend to fade away. They certainly don't apply to arguments with your spouse! Or do they? Most couples tend to treat arguments the same way they would treat a competition. It wasn't too long ago that I felt the need to "win" every disagreement my husband and I had. It wouldn't take us long to throw those preschool taught manners right out the window. I was making assumptions, he was being unkind, and we were both raising our voices. Were we actually in preschool we would have both been sent to time-out for sure!


According to Dr. Gottman his fifth principle, "solve your solvable problems", "To a certain degree...comes down to having good manners." The first thing we need to do when we are bothered or concerned with something our spouse is doing is to begin the conversation with a "soft start-up". The way you begin a conversation has a huge effect on how the conversation will turn out. Gottman explains that, "The best soft start-up has four parts: (1) "I share some responsibility for this..." (2) Here's how I feel... (3)about a specific situation and... (4) here's what I need... (positive need, not what you don't need)."


Unfortunately, we women are the most common perpetrators of using harsh start-ups. We tend to pounce on our husbands with exhausted social skills and tired manners. We turn the blame on them and expect them to be able to divine our thoughts and feelings. Gottman was absolutely right when he says, "For many men, hearing their wife acknowledge a shared responsibility is like manna from heaven and prevents tensions from escalating."


If we can master the soft start-up our repair attempts, those phrases or actions that we do with the intent of soothing or calming our spouse, will be more commonly accepted. Our disagreements will turn into conversations rather than arguments. And our compromises will come more readily.


"I can't emphasize enough how important it is to the fate of your marriage to soften up." -Dr. Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (p.167)
So, lets try to remember to say please and thank you, keep our voices low, avoid making assumptions, and above all be kind! Let's get back to out preschool days and mind our manners.

Imagine you and your spouse are shipwrecked on a deserted island. A storm is on the way and you need to grab what you can from the wreck to help you survive until someone finds you. There are a lot of things from the wreckage that could help you, some of it will require both of you to lift, but the tide is coming in fast and you only have a few minutes before it's all gone. You and your spouse need to make some important decisions and fast!* Could you do it? Could you do it without arguing?


This scene could end in a couple different ways. You might work together perfectly, agreeing on every item to save and the order of importance. Most couples, however are going to disagree about at least one or two items. They are going to have to either fight for the item they feel is more important, wasting time and potentially losing other important items to the incoming tide, or yield to their partner and potentially lose the item they originally wanted. What would you do? Fight or yield?


In the real world we probably aren't ever going to be stranded on a deserted island having to make those kind of choices. However, we are going to be in situations where we will have to choose to fight with our spouse or yield to their wants and needs. Gottman explains, "...often in life you need to yield in order to win. ...when you have a conflict, the key is to be willing to compromise. You do this by searching through your partner's request for something you can agree to."


Not every argument is going to have an obvious point of compromise. We have to be willing to hear our partner's side, try to empathize with their point of view, in order to successfully navigate each argument. For example, my husband and I had an argument the other night that neither of us were able to compromise about. I needed him to take our daughters to gymnastics so I could stay home and get work done that was due that evening. He also needed to be home in case his boss needed him to log on and fix something that they were testing that night. The girls couldn't skip gymnastics because they were testing that day and would miss the opportunity to move up to the next level. I was frustrated that he couldn't help me when he had previously said he would. He was upset that I wasn't being more understanding of things that were out of his control. In the end I took the girls to gymnastics and stayed up VERY late that night trying to get my work done. You might be surprised to hear that this whole argument only lasted about 15 minutes. You see, we both realized that this wasn't an argument either of us could compromise on, and there wasn't going to be a "winner". My husband calmed his voice, took a breath and empathized with me. He told me that he recognized how unfair the situation was, and that he felt poorly for having to be on call that night. He knew what I was feeling and related that to me. He yielded!


He didn't dig in his heels, or shut down the conversation. He chose to look at things from my point of view, and try to understand how I was feeling. His simple apology and recognition was enough to make me do the same for him. We both walked away with the understanding that we weren't actually upset with each other, but with the unfortunate situation.


At the beginning of our argument we were both being proud and putting our own needs above the other's. President Benson of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints said, "Another major portion of this very prevalent sin of pride is enmity toward our fellowmen. We are tempted daily to elevate ourselves above others and diminish them." This definition of pride is very powerful. He defines it, in part, as enmity toward one another. The definition of enmity states that it is, "hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition." So, at the beginning of our argument we were actually feeling "hate" and "hostility". Those are not word I ever want used to describe my relationship with my husband. Luckily, we were able to counter those feelings with empathy and understanding.


If I were ever to be stranded on a deserted island, having to choose which tools and items to save from a disappearing ship wreck, I would hope that my spouse, full of empathy- not pride, would be there to help me make those decisions. Working together should be more of a blessing than a liability. How would you and your spouse do?


*This scenario was taken from Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, page 133.

Every other year or so my husband and I like to take an adults only vacation. We get the little ones squared away with grandma for a week and we take off, just the two of us, for some time all to ourselves. Last year we took a 7 day cruise to the Caribbean. We went zip-lining, rock climbing, kayaking, rafting, and snorkeling. We spend a ton of time laying on the pool deck reading together and listening to music that was not written by the Wiggles or Sophia the First.  We ate blissful meals where we got to talk about grown-up things- and didn't even have to speak in code! It was heaven. A full week of alone time with my husband was heaven.















One thing I noticed on our vacation was that there were typically two types of couples. The first type was glued at the hip. They ate dinner together, laid out together, went on excursions together- everything one person did, their spouse was also doing. The other type was involved in more of a hit and run. They would meet up and check-in and then go their separate ways. The reason I call this a hit and run is because I saw one couple literally knock into each other in the hallway, outside their room, and then run off to do separate things. Now, there's no right or wrong way to enjoy a vacation, but, seeing as this is a blog about marriage, let's look at these two styles from a marriage view point.


Dr. Gottman says, "Many people think that the secret to reconnecting with their partner is a vacation by the sea. But a romantic outing only turns up the heat if a couple has kept the pilot light burning by staying in touch in the little ways." I would imagine that the "hit and run" couples are those who have lost sight of the little things that make a marriage so amazing. Do they do the dishes together? Are they asking each other about their day when they come home from work? Will they sit next to each other while they watch TV?  The "glued at the hip" couples probably do most of these things. They "... let their spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life." (Gottman)


The next time your spouse tries to get your attention, ask for help, or start a conversation do everything in your power to make sure they know that they are a high priority to you. Put down your phone and look at them when you are talking. Respond to questions with full sentences rather than grunts or shrugs. Acknowledge their need for your emotional support. Stop what you are doing to help them with a menial task. Doing these small things can change the way you feel about each other. It will bring you closer together and could even reignite a spark that might have been lost.


My heavenly vacation could have been a horrendous disaster if my husband and I had allowed our "pilot light" to burn out. If we want to continue to have wonderful adult only vacations every other year, we need to work together daily. It's all about the little things!

"Happily married couples don't "just" know each other they build on and enhance this knowledge in many important ways." (Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work)