Finding Happy Together

At the top of this blog I have a link to The Gottman Institute. Dr. John Gottman is a psychologist known for his work on marital stability and analyzing relationships through scientific research methods.  Which basically means he's a pretty impressive guy that has helped a lot of people have happy relationships. One of the things I find most impressive about his work is that he can predict which couples will stay together and which will split up with over 90% accuracy!

I started reading books and articles from Gottman a few years ago and have found that his ideas and methods really do work. My marriage wasn't in trouble, we were actually doing just fine, but I'm always looking for ways to go from good to better. Right now I'm reading The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and wanted to share something that I found extremely helpful in my marriage.

 My husband and I met when we were twelve, he was my best friend by the time we were fourteen, and we started dating when we were only sixteen. At this point we have been together for the majority of our lives, and love each other very much. Like all couples, though, we don't always agree and argue just as much as everyone else. Sometimes our arguments will get pretty heated and even turn into all-night "discussions". So, if we are having these big arguments, how can I say that we were happy? It's because of the WAY we argue.


After watching thousands of couples argue Gottman was able to identify specific things that certain couples did that would eventually lead to the couple's divorce. He called these things The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.  When you and your spouse are arguing have you ever noticed yourself or your spouse using criticism? Contempt? Do you get defensive? What about completely shutting down or stonewalling? If you do these things, you may want to reconsider your style of arguing.

This is a video from The Gottman Institute blog that explains more about these Four Horsemen:


Gottman has a lot of wonderful advice to help couples strengthen their relationships. If reading a whole book is a bit overwhelming, or you just don't have the time, I would highly recommend scrolling through The Gottman Institute blog. If your marriage is in trouble, or even if you're just wanting to go from good to better, making sure the Four Horsemen don't rear their heads in any of your arguments is a great place to start!

One October a few years ago my daughters, husband and I were watching "Scared Shrekless". If you have ever seen the movie "Shrek" this is a continuation of that story. After Fiona and their three children scare away some trick or treaters, Shrek and a few other characters decide to tell scary stories. In one of those stories the Gingerbread-man creates the prefect wife. In the beginning they are happy and loving life with each other.
After some time, though, Gingy starts to feel smothered and decides to try and leave. This only makes his wife upset and she begins to morph into a zombie-like gingerbread-girl. She follows him around for the rest of his story with her arms out stretched saying, "Together forever... together forever..."
So now, naturally, whenever my children or husband ask to be left alone I chase them around the house calling out, "Together Forever!!"

While that's a funny little thing we do in our house, the truth is, we are together forever. My husband and I made some very serious promises when we got married and decided that we would do whatever it took to make sure our family would be together forever. In the LDS faith we believe that a marriage, and a family, can last beyond death. This is a principle that has brought a lot of comfort and peace into my life. It is a wonderful blessing to know that, as long as I keep the covenants I have made with my husband and my Heavenly Father, I will forever be connected to my precious family.

President Gordon B. Hinckley, a prophet of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, put it perfectly when he said,
"Can you imagine two young people at a time when the moon is full and the roses are in bloom and a sacred love has matured between them? Johnny says to Mary, “Mary, I love you. I want you for my wife and the mother of our children. But I don’t want you or them forever. Just for a season and then goodbye.” And she, looking at him through tears in the moonlight, says, “Johnny, you’re wonderful. There’s nobody else in all the world like you. I love you, and I want you for my husband and the father of our children, but only for a time, and then farewell.”

That sounds foolish, doesn’t it? And yet isn’t that in effect what a boy says to a girl and a girl says to a boy in a proposal of marriage when given the opportunity of eternal union under “the new and everlasting covenant,” but, rather, they choose to set it aside for a substitute that can last only until death comes."

Making promises and covenants doesn't guarantee a problem-free life though. Even in a marriage that is supposed to last forever, we have to do our part to make sure both parties WANT it to last forever. Just like Gingy and his perfect wife, we all start our marriages believing that we have found "the one", our "soul-mate", the "perfect man" (or woman). The truth is, no one is perfect, and every marriage is going to experience it's own hardships.

In a talk given by Bruce C. Hafen he said that every marriage would be repeatedly tested by three "wolves". These "wolves" are things that we can either run from or stand and fight against. The first wolf is one I am all too familiar with. It's natural adversity. He gives an example, "After asking God for years to give them a first child, David and Fran had a baby with a serious heart defect. Following a three-week struggle, they buried their newborn son." This is a terrible trial that neither of them had any control over. What they can control is how it changes their marriage. Are they going to mourn together, drawing closer to each other, or will they blame each other and turn away from their once beloved partner?

The second "wolf" is imperfection. As I said earlier, no one is perfect and, when you live with someone, you tend to notice all their imperfections. So, will you run away because their imperfections are too much, or will you stand by your spouse and try to work through it?

The final "wolf" is something that is becoming a larger problem with each generation. Hafen says,
"The third wolf is the excessive individualism that has spawned today’s contractual attitudes. A seven-year-old girl came home from school crying, “Mom, don’t I belong to you? Our teacher said today that nobody belongs to anybody—children don’t belong to parents, husbands don’t belong to wives. I am yours, aren’t I, Mom?” Her mother held her close and whispered, “Of course you’re mine—and I’m yours, too.” Surely marriage partners must respect one another’s individual identity, and family members are neither slaves nor inanimate objects. But this teacher’s fear, shared today by many, is that the bonds of kinship and marriage are not valuable ties that bind, but are, instead, sheer bondage."

There is nothing in this life that is more important to me than my family. My children and my husband are the ones who sustain me, uplift me, and drive me to become better. I want to be with them forever. My husband and I have made sacred covenants to one another and plan to keep them. He will forever be my always, and they will always be mine forever!

First, let me clear up a few misconceptions about the LDS church.

1. No, we don't hate gay people.
2. No, we don't think you're going to hell.
3. Yes, we believe God intended marriage to be between a man and a woman.
4. Yes, we believe that everyone has the right to make their own choices.

This week in my marriage course we talked a lot about divorce and the affects it has on a family. There are huge consequences to children, and some long term consequences for the couple themselves. This is why it is so important to start your marriage with the right attitude.

When you sit down to read a new book you begin the book with the expectation and hope that there will be a happy ending waiting for you at the close of the book. We do the same thing when we watch movies, or listen to story tellers. We all want those magical words, "and they lived Happily Ever After", to be the last words of the story.